Another great comic? Mitch Hedberg. He's the guy that comes across as slightly stoned, with one-liners that would probably seem really deep if you were stoned. If you're sober, they're just funny.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a girl who'd be real mad if she heard me say that.

I like escalators, because escalators can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

I played golf ... I'm not very good at golf. I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy, and that's way more satisfying... You're supposed to yell "Fore!" but I was too busy mumbing, "There's no way that's gonna hit him."

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

More here.